The Pit of Doom

At least Zits is funny and oh so true.
Everything started out fine , weather gradually improving , a nice peaceful Sunday.
Then at dinner my son asked me about work Was I managing with less money ? Was it worth taking the time off ? etc. etc. Friendly questions , no big deal. I felt funny, started sinking , down, down. Thought about work, all the crap I've been through and will have to face again. Thought about how MS has turned my life up side down. Started worrying about money. Started worrying about the decisions I make Are they rational ? Am I doing, have I done, the right things ?
I read somewhere that MS symptoms include, lack of judgment poor judgment, impairment of judgment . Perhaps everything I'm doing is a mistake and once again it's stupid MS running my life, not me.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

I jut read of the passing of Ives St Laurent

""I've known fear and terrible solitude," he said. "Tranquilizers and drugs, those phony friends. The prison of depression and hospitals. I've emerged from all this, dazzled but sober."

So fame, money, celebrity, can't protect you from depression.

What to Do ?

Read an interesting article today in the New York Times about Lotus Therapy, aka Focused Awareness , aka Mindfulness. This is a new psychiatric therapy you can read about here and make up your own mind.

After reading this I was really bugged; not by whether the therapy works but by the doctors. ( of course) One specialist saying it's the best treatment for mental disorders, another saying no it makes things worse. Then there's the doctor who says it works, but only for severe cases, and another who says the opposite, no its only good for mild cases.

I get the impression that nobody in the health care profession is interested in what is right. That ego gets in the way of patient care. There's no cooperation to find solutions , only competition to push their own agenda.

Then we have the poor soul, the patient , a person suffering from anxiety disorder or severe depression who goes to one of these specialists. Say they get the doctor who thinks it's the best therapy ever. The patient tries it and feels no better. The doctor always has an out . The doctor can say" Oh you just didn't try hard enough or" you didn't follow the instructions" but maybe that isn't so. Maybe in fact the treatment doesn't work. Maybe the poor soul, the patient, will get the doctor who doesn't believe in this treatment and yet it could be the best thing ever.

So what do you do ? Drag yourself from one doctor to another until you get the right therapy , the one that works ? What really works ? Will these doctors ever get their act together and try and find solutions and do what they're supposed to do .Help patients get well. Sure our health is our responsibility. We should inform ourselves to make decisions about our health to make the right choices. Not so easy when you are so depressed , busy thinking of ways to do yourself in, or you have such bad anxiety you're afraid to go outside.

Mexican Food and The Sims

A cold rainy day that makes it hard for me to keep my head on straight. In the morning I sat on the couch with my cup of tea, so down in the dumps and Oh so very tired. The combination of fatigue and depression really is too much some days. I decided I may as well get busy, so I cooked a full Mexican meal from scratch. Slapping tortillas around is a pleasant distraction. After much experimentation, I've come up with a good recipe and a good method to roll them out. I stuffed them with beef cooked in a tomatillo and green chili sauce. Preparing those,the rice , all the toppings, and beans, takes about 2 hours .

After that I wasted time playing the Sims 2 . Controlling the lives of pretend people is preferable on a day like today, than dealing with my own life.

Had a chat on the phone with my union rep . She said she's looking into an arrangement where, the insurance company would pay for me to be home 50% of the work week and my employer
would pay when I'm in the office. Not quite sure how that works but I'll let her sort it out. Always good to have options.

After that, I spoke to a friend who's one of those eternal optimists. Wish I could be like that. I'm not very good at the thinking positive method . My way of coping with depression is to just keep going.

Had a bit of a row with my son this morning. I think it's because I worry that I'm going to fall a part before he has a chance to get his life sorted. . At least we don't stay mad at each other for long .
I'm disappointed with a Ninja movie I bought " Shinobi No Mono" or maybe it's because I was too tired to enjoy it. Have to give it a try again another day.

I want to get back to my game now, while I still have a couple of hours to waste.
Haven't read anything interesting in the health news lately.