The deal is, I get to work at home for two days per week till the end of April. If all goes well, it will be full time in May. I'm signed up for a few seminars this month and need to get my laptop up to speed to use it at home That's why it's part time for now.
The struggle isn't over yet. I'd go into more details but I'm so wasted from setting up my home office . Naturally it's one of the most inconvenient weekends, when there's nobody around to help. I pushed myself to do it because the security inspection is on Tuesday and I just know they are looking for excuses to hold things up. Am I cynical and paranoid ? Yup.
What is really sad ,is people will only do things when they are forced to and everything ends up being a fight. Why can't we be decent to each other ?
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Lassitude
Lassitude: Langour, disinclination to exert or interest oneself.
Last week before attending one of many tiring meetings at work, I printed off some information from the MS society about fatigue. I handed copies to the people at the meeting and simply said "this is the reason why I want to work at home". The word lassitude,jumped out at me. The definition of it suits me so perfectly.
Before 2004 I would never have been able to imagine the fatigue I experience now. Would never have thought that lassitude would become a part of my life. The disinclination to exert or interest myself comes partly from fear . Fear, that I will start a project, not be able to finish it, and end up with a mess. I look around my house at all the things that I would like to do and I cry, because I'm afraid to do them. Fear, when I have that awful feverish feeling,get so tired, so suddenly, and the switch in my head shuts off. When it shuts off, I can't do a thing or I do stupid things,like injure myself, cross the street on a red light, fall, or have an anxiety attack.
I remember the summer of 2005 when I was invited to a wedding . It took me the entire morning of that day to get ready. Not because I was getting really decked out, but because I could barely do a thing. Even combing my hair was a huge effort
I sat not wanting to go and yet somehow I was able to peel myself off the couch. The whole experience was an ordeal. I felt like a zombie. What made it worse is that there were people there I hadn't seen in ages .Inside I was happy to see them, outside I could barely make the effort to say hello. It was like a strange dream. I felt like I wasn't even there. The whole summer was like that.
For a person who use to be so active, it's difficult to get use to this new weak, "lazy" me . I know there are people around me who think I'm not trying, but I am .
I am
Last week before attending one of many tiring meetings at work, I printed off some information from the MS society about fatigue. I handed copies to the people at the meeting and simply said "this is the reason why I want to work at home". The word lassitude,jumped out at me. The definition of it suits me so perfectly.
Before 2004 I would never have been able to imagine the fatigue I experience now. Would never have thought that lassitude would become a part of my life. The disinclination to exert or interest myself comes partly from fear . Fear, that I will start a project, not be able to finish it, and end up with a mess. I look around my house at all the things that I would like to do and I cry, because I'm afraid to do them. Fear, when I have that awful feverish feeling,get so tired, so suddenly, and the switch in my head shuts off. When it shuts off, I can't do a thing or I do stupid things,like injure myself, cross the street on a red light, fall, or have an anxiety attack.
I remember the summer of 2005 when I was invited to a wedding . It took me the entire morning of that day to get ready. Not because I was getting really decked out, but because I could barely do a thing. Even combing my hair was a huge effort
I sat not wanting to go and yet somehow I was able to peel myself off the couch. The whole experience was an ordeal. I felt like a zombie. What made it worse is that there were people there I hadn't seen in ages .Inside I was happy to see them, outside I could barely make the effort to say hello. It was like a strange dream. I felt like I wasn't even there. The whole summer was like that.
For a person who use to be so active, it's difficult to get use to this new weak, "lazy" me . I know there are people around me who think I'm not trying, but I am .
I am
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Mush Brain Commentary
Taking it easy today. I hate to say how tired I am. I will anyway. I'm so tired !!
Too tired to even write anything and I'm hoping this post won't be incomprehensible
If you are reading this and it comes across as a bunch of gobbly gook, sorry. Can't seem to get my head and hands to cooperate with me.
Funny how things can drag on so long and then suddenly they start moving so fast. There has been more progress on my "duty to accommodate" this week, than in the past 18 months. The recent labour relations decision, which I mentioned in an earlier post, and a union conference studying the impact of that case, seems to have energized the entire process. There are definite time lines in place now, so the next couple of weeks should be interesting. Wish I could say more, only I know there are readers of my blog who are in fact back stabbing weasels, just waiting for that one comment they can twist to get me for violating confidentiality.
Weird how it's my life but I can't talk about it. Blogs aren't private. No, they are in fact very public and can get you into lots of trouble. Just like Facebook, which I avoid like the plague. Too many people on there who think it's some private little club, were you can say and do whatever you want. No, the petty authoritarian minions, are out there gleefully looking for the tiniest thing they can use against you. What they get out of it I really don't know.
Don't get the idea I'm some brave soldier here,fighting the good fight. I broke down in tears more than once this week, from pure exhaustion.
All I can say to anyone who is considering a fight,(and it does turn into a fight). Think very hard about what you want, why you want it. Be aware of how slow justice can be, how time consuming and bureaucratic. Can you handle getting up every day to face your tormentors for days, weeks, months, years ? Can you take the financial and emotional costs ? It's hard enough doing it when you're fit. Rough when you're not. If you do decide it's worth it, don't give up, but also remember, sometimes life just ain't fair.
Too tired to even write anything and I'm hoping this post won't be incomprehensible
If you are reading this and it comes across as a bunch of gobbly gook, sorry. Can't seem to get my head and hands to cooperate with me.
Funny how things can drag on so long and then suddenly they start moving so fast. There has been more progress on my "duty to accommodate" this week, than in the past 18 months. The recent labour relations decision, which I mentioned in an earlier post, and a union conference studying the impact of that case, seems to have energized the entire process. There are definite time lines in place now, so the next couple of weeks should be interesting. Wish I could say more, only I know there are readers of my blog who are in fact back stabbing weasels, just waiting for that one comment they can twist to get me for violating confidentiality.
Weird how it's my life but I can't talk about it. Blogs aren't private. No, they are in fact very public and can get you into lots of trouble. Just like Facebook, which I avoid like the plague. Too many people on there who think it's some private little club, were you can say and do whatever you want. No, the petty authoritarian minions, are out there gleefully looking for the tiniest thing they can use against you. What they get out of it I really don't know.
Don't get the idea I'm some brave soldier here,fighting the good fight. I broke down in tears more than once this week, from pure exhaustion.
All I can say to anyone who is considering a fight,(and it does turn into a fight). Think very hard about what you want, why you want it. Be aware of how slow justice can be, how time consuming and bureaucratic. Can you handle getting up every day to face your tormentors for days, weeks, months, years ? Can you take the financial and emotional costs ? It's hard enough doing it when you're fit. Rough when you're not. If you do decide it's worth it, don't give up, but also remember, sometimes life just ain't fair.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Huge Cookies
Lots of good mail today, including huge hazelnut wafer cookies from Czech Republic. Enough for many tea drinking sessions.
A tiring week so far. At work It's like trench warfare. I gain some ground, then lose some, then fall back, and then gain a tiny patch. At least my new union rep. is getting results. She has come up with an alternate plan regarding my work which I am seriously considering. Nice to know that I have options. Why do all the options involve reams for forms having to be filled out?
Local news is about the shut down of the steel plant, US Steel Canada. 1500 workers out of a job, due to weak demand for steel, and a sharp drop in commodity prices. That's a big loss of good paying jobs in a small city like Hamilton
Where and when will it end ?
The last few nights I have been waking up feeling faint. A strange feeling to be lying down and fainting. I also have the occasional whoosing sound in my ears.
I may come back later and add a few items Right now I just feel way too tired.
A tiring week so far. At work It's like trench warfare. I gain some ground, then lose some, then fall back, and then gain a tiny patch. At least my new union rep. is getting results. She has come up with an alternate plan regarding my work which I am seriously considering. Nice to know that I have options. Why do all the options involve reams for forms having to be filled out?
Local news is about the shut down of the steel plant, US Steel Canada. 1500 workers out of a job, due to weak demand for steel, and a sharp drop in commodity prices. That's a big loss of good paying jobs in a small city like Hamilton
Where and when will it end ?
The last few nights I have been waking up feeling faint. A strange feeling to be lying down and fainting. I also have the occasional whoosing sound in my ears.
I may come back later and add a few items Right now I just feel way too tired.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
New Union Rep
Home late tonight as I had dinner with my new union rep. I'm exhausted, the woman is a ball of energy which is a good thing. Hope to have some positive news to report soon. I can't type my finger is really sore from banging it
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Weekend
Tonight I'm finishing off the weekend watching a "black sploitation" movie, TNT Jackson.
Not only politically incorrect, but racist and so sixties. The names they are calling each other !
It's been quiet around here except for the constant barking dogs. Attention neighbours!!
The only dogs that like being outside in the cold and snow are Huskies, otherwise your dog wants to be inside where it's nice and warm. Just like you do.
Had some twitching in my face and legs yesterday. It's gone now. I'm pleased that I was able to go for a decent walk and not limp. Haven't been doing the Wii as much as I should. My leg needs to get better before I can tackle any of the good exercises. That's my excuse for being lazy. I know the next time I turn on the Wii , it will admonish me for not sticking to my routine .
Hey I finally saw a photo of Barack Obama smoking ! They kept that well hidden. For me that totally shatters the image of the young, fit, soon to be president.
Well back to the snake pit tomorrow. I wonder what bureaucratic nightmares await me
I just hate it when the computer tries to guess what I'm going to type (no I'm not going to type "chili dogs")
Back to this kooky movie.
Not only politically incorrect, but racist and so sixties. The names they are calling each other !
It's been quiet around here except for the constant barking dogs. Attention neighbours!!
The only dogs that like being outside in the cold and snow are Huskies, otherwise your dog wants to be inside where it's nice and warm. Just like you do.
Had some twitching in my face and legs yesterday. It's gone now. I'm pleased that I was able to go for a decent walk and not limp. Haven't been doing the Wii as much as I should. My leg needs to get better before I can tackle any of the good exercises. That's my excuse for being lazy. I know the next time I turn on the Wii , it will admonish me for not sticking to my routine .
Hey I finally saw a photo of Barack Obama smoking ! They kept that well hidden. For me that totally shatters the image of the young, fit, soon to be president.
Well back to the snake pit tomorrow. I wonder what bureaucratic nightmares await me
I just hate it when the computer tries to guess what I'm going to type (no I'm not going to type "chili dogs")
Back to this kooky movie.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thank Heavens for Art
A grim meeting today. I guess I was a bad girl this year because Santa won't be granting me my wish to tele work, at least not any time soon.
I found out much to my dismay, that it will be a least four more months until work gets the Health Canada report, because they are back logged. Yeah I'm just one of many in the pile.
Four more months seems like an eternity, especially when I'm already in the hole for so much lost wages. It's so insulting to be told that I'm "not trying to help myself" and " you're not the only one in this situation" yeah thanks for that. When I was told that they (management) " really are in my corner" and " really are trying to help", my only reply was "if this is help, please stop trying to help me" I wanted to tell them to get the hell out of my corner, but decided against it. I still have some self control left .
Here I am heading into 2009 with very little money , everything falling apart in my house , and tired beyond descriptions . Oh well the rich folks are suffering too .Poor souls don't you just feel so bad for people who think they can live and not work for their money. Just shove money in a hedge fund and let the "gurus" make it work for them. They won't even be able to afford to go to the doctor now, Ha Ha. I'm so mean. Can't help it I'm in a foul mood. I really don't know how many more poor people we can have in my city. There are already so many poor and the rest of us are stretched and can't help much more. Damn all you reckless bankers, economists, financial advisers etc. etc. You have ruined the world. I'm not the only one who thinks so
At least there's art. Art is great therapy. Try it, check out ArtBeat
I wish I could afford to go to New Orleans to see the exhibit Prospect 1. They are planning to make it a yearly event. Perhaps if my prospects improve, I can go see it next year. yeah O.k I shouldn't try to be so clever. Seriously though, if I could travel to see every art exhibit in the world I would. Art is soul food.
I'm making so many spelling mistakes and I'm looking right at the keyboard. I feel as though I'm dyslexic, reversing letters in words .
One last comment about work I really would like to tape some of the conversations at the office, so that people would realize that when you dwell in the land of grey cubicles, you really should be careful what you say. Even though you can't see people, dozens of ears are listening and they aren't even trying. .
I found out much to my dismay, that it will be a least four more months until work gets the Health Canada report, because they are back logged. Yeah I'm just one of many in the pile.
Four more months seems like an eternity, especially when I'm already in the hole for so much lost wages. It's so insulting to be told that I'm "not trying to help myself" and " you're not the only one in this situation" yeah thanks for that. When I was told that they (management) " really are in my corner" and " really are trying to help", my only reply was "if this is help, please stop trying to help me" I wanted to tell them to get the hell out of my corner, but decided against it. I still have some self control left .
Here I am heading into 2009 with very little money , everything falling apart in my house , and tired beyond descriptions . Oh well the rich folks are suffering too .Poor souls don't you just feel so bad for people who think they can live and not work for their money. Just shove money in a hedge fund and let the "gurus" make it work for them. They won't even be able to afford to go to the doctor now, Ha Ha. I'm so mean. Can't help it I'm in a foul mood. I really don't know how many more poor people we can have in my city. There are already so many poor and the rest of us are stretched and can't help much more. Damn all you reckless bankers, economists, financial advisers etc. etc. You have ruined the world. I'm not the only one who thinks so
At least there's art. Art is great therapy. Try it, check out ArtBeat
I wish I could afford to go to New Orleans to see the exhibit Prospect 1. They are planning to make it a yearly event. Perhaps if my prospects improve, I can go see it next year. yeah O.k I shouldn't try to be so clever. Seriously though, if I could travel to see every art exhibit in the world I would. Art is soul food.
I'm making so many spelling mistakes and I'm looking right at the keyboard. I feel as though I'm dyslexic, reversing letters in words .
One last comment about work I really would like to tape some of the conversations at the office, so that people would realize that when you dwell in the land of grey cubicles, you really should be careful what you say. Even though you can't see people, dozens of ears are listening and they aren't even trying. .
Friday, November 28, 2008
3 Forward 2 Back
Had my visit with the doctor this morning. Things are stable right now, although he did say a couple of times that I was an anomaly and something about my leaky blood brain barrier. My EVP tests are slightly below normal, there is protein in my spinal fluid, no change in my MRI, and I have the same proteins in my blood. He said that he didn't think I needed any heavy drugs like interferons. I told him that honestly I wouldn't be interested in doing that anyway and he seemed relieved . I don't know maybe some patients insist on it.
The strategy for now will be to monitor things , treat individual symptoms, and see how it goes.
He also said he would send another letter to my employer about allowing me to tele work, due to my continuing problem with fatigue.
I left feeling not too bad and walked the 15 minutes back to work taking a short cut through the mall, to get out of the cold and wind. Decided to treat myself to a new sweater that was 50 % off. The stores already have pretty deep discounts on things . The mall was busy but I notice people are shopping mostly in the cheaper stores. The dollar store was doing booming business.
Then I get into the office just in time to hear the latest news. The government is proposing to freeze our wages, roll back our current increases, and take away our right to strike.
I made a joke that it was just like working at Wal Mart.
The strategy for now will be to monitor things , treat individual symptoms, and see how it goes.
He also said he would send another letter to my employer about allowing me to tele work, due to my continuing problem with fatigue.
I left feeling not too bad and walked the 15 minutes back to work taking a short cut through the mall, to get out of the cold and wind. Decided to treat myself to a new sweater that was 50 % off. The stores already have pretty deep discounts on things . The mall was busy but I notice people are shopping mostly in the cheaper stores. The dollar store was doing booming business.
Then I get into the office just in time to hear the latest news. The government is proposing to freeze our wages, roll back our current increases, and take away our right to strike.
I made a joke that it was just like working at Wal Mart.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Good To Go
The cable guy showed up around 8:00 which was crazy. There he was routing around outside in the dark with a flash light on his head, trying to find the cable.
Everything is done now. I set up the computer and it's working great. I still have to transfer files back from the online storage which I'll tackle tomorrow night. At least I won't have to fiddle around with the wireless adapter anymore.
Feeling better tonight. I have recovered from my weakness and dizzy spells. The plan is to get to work tomorrow, but who knows .
Everything is done now. I set up the computer and it's working great. I still have to transfer files back from the online storage which I'll tackle tomorrow night. At least I won't have to fiddle around with the wireless adapter anymore.
Feeling better tonight. I have recovered from my weakness and dizzy spells. The plan is to get to work tomorrow, but who knows .
Friday, September 26, 2008
Up, Down, All Around
Like the financial markets and the weather, it's been an up and down sort of week for me. The Amantadine, I will say once again, works, yet the effect is very uneven. I can have a good morning followed by a not so great afternoon. The evenings are slightly better allowing me to stay up later. Instead of wanting desperately to go to bed by 8:00 p.m. I'm feeling that way at 10:00. I still took a sick day off work on Tuesday, and went in late on Thursday, which I'm not happy about. Not much I can do when my body simple refuses to cooperate so that even walking down the stairs is an effort. Fortunately I have some money in the bank. The unpaid leave is really starting to hit my paycheck . When I go for my health assessment next week I'm going to push hard to get tele work. I think it's the answer to allow me to keep working.
It's hard to explain to people how tiring it is to go into the office everyday. There's never a moment of peace and even breaks aren't restful. Everywhere I go there are people milling about. I try to close my eyes for a few moments and sure enough that's when somebody will pop up at my desk wanting something. I'm told I can use the "quiet room" to rest, but Oh! what a hassle that is. It's like trying to get admitted to the hospital and I really don't want a fuss around me when I'm tired and I don't really want to lie down in a dark room either.
Then there's the getting ready for work and the getting there part. Hey I'd like to go to work in my robe and slippers, with my hair in a ponytail, and no make up, only my vanity won't allow it.
I do dress much more casual these days, don't bother with accessories, don't fuss with my hair, and have toned down my shoes, which is as much as I'm willing to let go for now. I'm already having to give up so much with MS, can't I at least still have my mascara? Silly Libra vanity I know. Can't help it.
They do have a job lined up at work for me that would be ideal for tele work. I'm so superstitious even just writing about it makes me think I'm jinxing myself. That's Catholic /Italian/French Canadian , brainwashing from years go that's still in me. Yes Italians and French Canadians are a very superstitious lot. I remember when I was pregnant, my mother, who is a very intelligent lady, covered my eyes when we passed by a person in a wheelchair. She believed that if I looked at the person it would be bad luck and harm the baby. On both sides of the family they always talk about good luck, bad luck, omens, signs, curses, spirits, fate, etc. etc. I try to tell myself it's all nonsense,
still....
Got a letter from the doctor today about more tests on October 16th, which I have no clue what that's about. Have to wait and check on Monday as the office closes early on Friday. Maybe over the weekend I'll remember exactly what the doctor wants to probe next. Once I get my assessment done I think that's going to be it for me with the tests. What the heck good do they do ?
It's hard to explain to people how tiring it is to go into the office everyday. There's never a moment of peace and even breaks aren't restful. Everywhere I go there are people milling about. I try to close my eyes for a few moments and sure enough that's when somebody will pop up at my desk wanting something. I'm told I can use the "quiet room" to rest, but Oh! what a hassle that is. It's like trying to get admitted to the hospital and I really don't want a fuss around me when I'm tired and I don't really want to lie down in a dark room either.
Then there's the getting ready for work and the getting there part. Hey I'd like to go to work in my robe and slippers, with my hair in a ponytail, and no make up, only my vanity won't allow it.
I do dress much more casual these days, don't bother with accessories, don't fuss with my hair, and have toned down my shoes, which is as much as I'm willing to let go for now. I'm already having to give up so much with MS, can't I at least still have my mascara? Silly Libra vanity I know. Can't help it.
They do have a job lined up at work for me that would be ideal for tele work. I'm so superstitious even just writing about it makes me think I'm jinxing myself. That's Catholic /Italian/French Canadian , brainwashing from years go that's still in me. Yes Italians and French Canadians are a very superstitious lot. I remember when I was pregnant, my mother, who is a very intelligent lady, covered my eyes when we passed by a person in a wheelchair. She believed that if I looked at the person it would be bad luck and harm the baby. On both sides of the family they always talk about good luck, bad luck, omens, signs, curses, spirits, fate, etc. etc. I try to tell myself it's all nonsense,
still....
Got a letter from the doctor today about more tests on October 16th, which I have no clue what that's about. Have to wait and check on Monday as the office closes early on Friday. Maybe over the weekend I'll remember exactly what the doctor wants to probe next. Once I get my assessment done I think that's going to be it for me with the tests. What the heck good do they do ?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I Think it's Working
Feeling a little better today Perhaps the drugs are starting to work.
I wanted to do a post tonight about the "Visibility of Invisibility " Wrote the whole thing out during my coffee break today. Reading it tonight I realize it's a bunch of rubbish and I thought to myself "Carole you really should shut up" so I'll just say that if I had to choose, I would stick with invisibility.
Visibility would mean I'm in much worse shape than I am now. Yeah, it's for the birds when people say "you look so good" or "you don't look sick" still better than talking to me like a baby, the way they do to the guy in a wheelchair at work.
I did bad on the health quiz tonight 3/8. I always thought it was seniors who shared prescription drugs, turns out it's teenage girls !
I wanted to do a post tonight about the "Visibility of Invisibility " Wrote the whole thing out during my coffee break today. Reading it tonight I realize it's a bunch of rubbish and I thought to myself "Carole you really should shut up" so I'll just say that if I had to choose, I would stick with invisibility.
Visibility would mean I'm in much worse shape than I am now. Yeah, it's for the birds when people say "you look so good" or "you don't look sick" still better than talking to me like a baby, the way they do to the guy in a wheelchair at work.
I did bad on the health quiz tonight 3/8. I always thought it was seniors who shared prescription drugs, turns out it's teenage girls !
Monday, August 25, 2008
Perfect MS Weather
A beautiful Monday with a cool breeze coming in off the lake. Perfect weather for someone with MS. There is a definite correlation between the weather and MS. Yesterday it was hot and humid ,
I was a wreck. Today it's mild and I feel pretty good. OK so maybe I'm stating the obvious, it's another point to make with my employer as to why I should telework. And speaking of work: This morning I was blown away by how attractive the manager is. Not at all as I imagined her. I wonder how she imagined me ? There I go, doing the Libra thing again.
This morning on the news there was a report about " Choconomics". When the economy is down, chocolate sales go up. I can so relate to that. Nothing like a cup of tea and a chocolate at the end of a bad day.
Time to get back to work. More Later
I was a wreck. Today it's mild and I feel pretty good. OK so maybe I'm stating the obvious, it's another point to make with my employer as to why I should telework. And speaking of work: This morning I was blown away by how attractive the manager is. Not at all as I imagined her. I wonder how she imagined me ? There I go, doing the Libra thing again.
This morning on the news there was a report about " Choconomics". When the economy is down, chocolate sales go up. I can so relate to that. Nothing like a cup of tea and a chocolate at the end of a bad day.
Time to get back to work. More Later
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Rainy Days and Mondays
The rain today rather than cooling things down like it has all summer, turned outside into a horrid steam bath . I went out in the morning to do errands and the weather really knocked me down. I had one of my "spells" meaning sudden fatigue and fever, resulting in a total shut down of my brain . My legs went all funny . Fortunately, I made it back home in one piece and felt like kissing the air conditioner. What would I do without central air ?
I'm feeling pretty good now and all set for work on Monday . I wanted to start the fatigue medication this week end but didn't get the prescription in Friday's mail. Why did I tell the doctor to mail it instead of phone it in to the drugstore ? Guess it was my same old dread of taking pills. If it's here tomorrow I'm going straight to the pharmacy with it after work. I'm at the point now that I don't care if I turn into a junkie, I can't handle this fatigue.
Just as I thought, our sort of Prime Minister, is pushing for a snap election in the fall. I think he's concerned that a Democrat win in the U.S. , will have us all rushing to vote Liberal again.
I have my Green Party sign in the basement ready to put out in the front garden.
The manager who wrote a very rude letter to my doctor returns from holidays tomorrow .I've never met this person . I can't wait to have another pointless meeting to discuss how she can't do anything for me till the Health Canada assessment is done . This is manager number four in less than a year. I just love Mondays
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Home Today
I'm home today . Hard to describe this weak wasted state I'm in. I'm only writing this as a record of how I'm feeling so can tell the doctor. Things started to unravel yesterday afternoon and went downhill from there . When I got home from work I kept telling myself all I had to do was rest and I would be fine . In the evening I got everything ready to go to work today, had my clothes, lunch, and bag organized. Decided to go to bed early and listen to music, not feeling sleepy, just weak . Over and over in my head I played the mind games," Oh I would be fine", " I just did too much during the day" ( how much is too much and how can I tell before it's too late?) " have to take it easy" " rest and I'll be OK".
Then this morning I couldn't get up . Just couldn't get my body to do anything. I hate lying around in bed, just hate it. Finally around 8:00 a.m. I lifted myself up thinking I should at least call work. I did that and got a not very nice acknowledgment from my temporary boss(yeah another one). Not that I blame her, she didn't ask to get loaded down with a case like me. Anyway, I feel too lousy to worry about it.
Slowly I managed to get washed and dressed and came downstairs to have breakfast. Don't think I'll be doing much stair climbing today. I'm alone and my legs are wobbly. Stiff, and yet at the same time feel like rubber.
Have I left anything out ? No except that I did buy a Wii, only I'm too brain dead right now to figure out how it works. I'm sure it's very easy. Maybe later and maybe later I'll have something good to write about too.
Then this morning I couldn't get up . Just couldn't get my body to do anything. I hate lying around in bed, just hate it. Finally around 8:00 a.m. I lifted myself up thinking I should at least call work. I did that and got a not very nice acknowledgment from my temporary boss(yeah another one). Not that I blame her, she didn't ask to get loaded down with a case like me. Anyway, I feel too lousy to worry about it.
Slowly I managed to get washed and dressed and came downstairs to have breakfast. Don't think I'll be doing much stair climbing today. I'm alone and my legs are wobbly. Stiff, and yet at the same time feel like rubber.
Have I left anything out ? No except that I did buy a Wii, only I'm too brain dead right now to figure out how it works. I'm sure it's very easy. Maybe later and maybe later I'll have something good to write about too.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Internet Cafe
It's official. I'm a geek. I signed up for a membership at an internet cafe called Click . Yeah I'm 15 years behind everybody else, so what. Click, is a very short walk from the office. I can go out the back door at work, run across the parking lot, and be there in less than 5 minutes . Now I have a place to go at lunch time when the weather is lousy, and it has been that way all week. Rain one minute, cool the next, then hot, then rain again. It's certainly a better use of my time than hanging around the lunch room or at a restaurant gossiping . Far too much of that going on at work. People should shut up and worry about their own lives .
At work we aren't allowed to access the internet or use email for personal reasons. If you get caught ( and many have) it's serious, you can lose up to 3 weeks pay and even get fired.
The guy that owns Click, is a very cute Asian kid .I say kid because he looks like he's about 15 years old. Funny how more and more people look like that to me. He sold me a $10.00 lifetime membership, which he swears really is for life. So if I'm still around at 100 I can hang out at the internet cafe. If it's still there!
Today was a another roller coaster ride at work Total insanity. I feel like I'm working for the communist party with all the stupid bureaucratic double talk I have to put up with. If I hear or read one more "unfortunately" "however" or "but" excuse from a manger, I will scream. Don't ever get sick, because nobody gives a damn.
Went to the art gallery tonight thinking it was freebie night. The very rude lady at the desk advised me that no, that was only on the first Friday of the month. She said only the Canadian Gallery was free this evening. Then another equally rude lady turned looked at me and said with disgust " Free ! yeah right, don't I wish" What a stupid cow. OK so we go up to the Canadian gallery and had fun looking at the Bruegel Bosch Bus . Slowly making our way around following the paintings down the stairs, next thing you know we're in the Japan exhibit . Looked around at that ( lots of cool art there). Then we went into a room filled up with beautiful antique kimonos and that's when we got busted. Turns out we had wandered into the "pay" section. After questioning us, the security guard led us back to the freebie section.
We left using the side door where the outdoor sculpture court yard is. The same rude lady that had been at the front desk came running after us. She said we couldn't use that exit because there was a wedding going on ?? Hmmm, private use of public spaces. I told her they could use more signs. She wasn't impressed.
Had Fish "N" Chips for dinner tonight. I was tired and the rain spoiled my barbecue plans so those are my lazy excuses. How is it possible to be this tired.
At work we aren't allowed to access the internet or use email for personal reasons. If you get caught ( and many have) it's serious, you can lose up to 3 weeks pay and even get fired.
The guy that owns Click, is a very cute Asian kid .I say kid because he looks like he's about 15 years old. Funny how more and more people look like that to me. He sold me a $10.00 lifetime membership, which he swears really is for life. So if I'm still around at 100 I can hang out at the internet cafe. If it's still there!
Today was a another roller coaster ride at work Total insanity. I feel like I'm working for the communist party with all the stupid bureaucratic double talk I have to put up with. If I hear or read one more "unfortunately" "however" or "but" excuse from a manger, I will scream. Don't ever get sick, because nobody gives a damn.
Went to the art gallery tonight thinking it was freebie night. The very rude lady at the desk advised me that no, that was only on the first Friday of the month. She said only the Canadian Gallery was free this evening. Then another equally rude lady turned looked at me and said with disgust " Free ! yeah right, don't I wish" What a stupid cow. OK so we go up to the Canadian gallery and had fun looking at the Bruegel Bosch Bus . Slowly making our way around following the paintings down the stairs, next thing you know we're in the Japan exhibit . Looked around at that ( lots of cool art there). Then we went into a room filled up with beautiful antique kimonos and that's when we got busted. Turns out we had wandered into the "pay" section. After questioning us, the security guard led us back to the freebie section.
We left using the side door where the outdoor sculpture court yard is. The same rude lady that had been at the front desk came running after us. She said we couldn't use that exit because there was a wedding going on ?? Hmmm, private use of public spaces. I told her they could use more signs. She wasn't impressed.
Had Fish "N" Chips for dinner tonight. I was tired and the rain spoiled my barbecue plans so those are my lazy excuses. How is it possible to be this tired.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The Quiet Room
Today for the first time and due to extreme fatigue , I paid a visit to the" Quiet Room" at work. This room use to be a first aid station with an attending nurse. They got rid of the nurse and replaced her with a network of first aid volunteers. The room has a single bed, a wheel chair, and some first aid supplies. Can't really say much about the bureaucratic nonsense I had to go through to use this room just to lie down for half an hour. The last thing I need is to get sacked for violating confidentiality. Even though my manger thinks it's OK to violate mine by sending snoopy , none of her business, letters to my doctor. My doctor, in a very polite way, told her where to go. Naturally, the bureaucrats can always justify their stupidity and make it appear that they are doing something for my own good.
Dear managers, you know how you can help me ? Stop trying to help me.
The only good thing that happened all day is I was able to buy the first field tomatoes at the Farmer's Market. They still had raspberries too, so I'm good to make peach melba and another shortcake.
At 10:00 there's a documentary on PBS , "18 with a Bullet" about gang violence in San Salvador. Did you know that there's a gang called the MS gang ? From what I have already seen in the previews these guys are really nasty fellows. Should be interesting .
Dear managers, you know how you can help me ? Stop trying to help me.
The only good thing that happened all day is I was able to buy the first field tomatoes at the Farmer's Market. They still had raspberries too, so I'm good to make peach melba and another shortcake.
At 10:00 there's a documentary on PBS , "18 with a Bullet" about gang violence in San Salvador. Did you know that there's a gang called the MS gang ? From what I have already seen in the previews these guys are really nasty fellows. Should be interesting .
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Three Strikes , You're Out !
These trees remind me of pineapples. Put them on here just to cheer me up. As I'm writing this there's a show on about DTR imaging, which can see white matter in the brain. They use it for people with concussions. I'll have to go to the website later to find out more as it seems like it might be something they could use for MS ?
I tried three times to get to work today. Got up at 6:00 a.m. and wobbled over to the bathroom, nearly fell off the toilet. Decide to go back to bed. Got up again at 7:15 still feeling odd, so I went back to bed. I must have fallen asleep because I woke from a dream around 8:30 . Got up, managed to get washed, and partly dressed. Went down to the kitchen to make tea and breakfast. Couldn't manage eating and flopped on the couch. Sipped a bit of tea and realized there was no way I was fit for work. Called up my new boss ( yeah another one) and took a sick day. I wasn't happy about it, in fact I was really down. Vegetated on the couch watching the news till my son got up. Normally when he's around I try hard to rally and cover up how lousy I feel. Couldn't do it this morning, I was so weak. I smiled at him and mentioned that there was tea. He made a couple of comments about me being home , saying it was turning into another wanker week for me( he's joking) . We sat and chatted for awhile . I stayed there all morning like that, sort of watched a movie .
Later I remembered that I had an appointment with the lawyer at 4:30 to wrap up the mortgage stuff. Spent the rest of the day trying to psyche myself to go. I did make it, yet it was touch and go and I couldn't wait to get back home. At least I did manage to make dinner . There was left over raspberry cake for dessert, which finished off the meal nicely.
Well I'm sure not off to a good start working again. Am I ?
Tomorrow is MRI day . I booked a cab as I have to be at the hospital by 7:15 a.m and considering the way I feel right now, it's the only way I'll be able to make it there.
Not looking forward to a new hospital and a different machine. If I ever get this mess sorted at work that will be it for me .No more messing around with MRI's or any other tests. I don't see the point. The question is: When will it be sorted ?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Half a Loaf
Busy tonight cooking. I decided I may as well take advantage of coming home early to get some food ready for the week. There should be enough to last till Friday, which I think will be a pizza or fish "n" chips night. Then I have a long weekend thanks to a civic holiday on Monday. I'll do another cooking marathon then. I hate coming home during the week when I'm tired , having no clue what to make for dinner. It's going to be a real hot humid week too . I'm sure to be a rag doll.
The meeting this morning went fine, better than I expected, and similar to what my horoscope said( see post below) . I'm getting a temporary accommodation until the Health Canada assessment is done. The expression "better half a loaf than none", is fitting to describe my feelings about it. It's a relief.
I was so tired from not sleeping last night that I left work after the meeting and came right home. Worry, stress ,and tingling feet , do not make for a good night's rest. Maybe that will improve now.
I get to start a bit later in the morning because my "trainer" won't be in till 8:30.She has to show me how to use a new data base. I could most likely figure it out on my own ,but she's trying to be nice, so I'll just go along with it.
That's it for tonight. Have to go check on my pasta sauce that is simmering away here.
I did get some good stamps from Pakistan, in the mail today, and a cool lightning post card from Oklahoma.
Can't wait for the Olympics and the U.S. elections to be over. I'm so sick of both stories highjacking the news.
The meeting this morning went fine, better than I expected, and similar to what my horoscope said( see post below) . I'm getting a temporary accommodation until the Health Canada assessment is done. The expression "better half a loaf than none", is fitting to describe my feelings about it. It's a relief.
I was so tired from not sleeping last night that I left work after the meeting and came right home. Worry, stress ,and tingling feet , do not make for a good night's rest. Maybe that will improve now.
I get to start a bit later in the morning because my "trainer" won't be in till 8:30.She has to show me how to use a new data base. I could most likely figure it out on my own ,but she's trying to be nice, so I'll just go along with it.
That's it for tonight. Have to go check on my pasta sauce that is simmering away here.
I did get some good stamps from Pakistan, in the mail today, and a cool lightning post card from Oklahoma.
Can't wait for the Olympics and the U.S. elections to be over. I'm so sick of both stories highjacking the news.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Humidty and Bugs I've Never Seen Before
What kind of bugs are these?
You can see that the swan family is doing well. The ducks look happy too.
I've recovered from two days of being in a miserable funk .
Besides that, my wireless internet was acting up, possibly due to all the storms we've had. We had another whopper of a thunderstorm today. At least my basement is dry . There was an article in the local paper about flooding problems in homes because of the outdated sewer system. A wet, smelly, moldy, basement can be very depressing, and certainly unhealthy.
Even though the temperature outside is a pleasant 25C and there's a nice breeze, the humidity is a killer. I came back home from my walk tonight completely soaked in perspiration ( OK sweat).
Had to head straight to a cool shower to recover. Now I feel good, no pains and no fatigue.
Tomorrow is the last day of my time off. I've had family and friends convince me that I should stick it out at work and everything will be fine. They are very logical and sensible. I know it would be better for me to hang in there at least one more year . So why do I keep getting this sinking feeling inside ?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
First Outdoor Swim
Too many ugly grey envelopes in the mail today . Those kooks where I work have now sent my doctor 3 separate requests for the same information . I think it's "covering their backsides " time .My manager also sent me an e mail filled with many "buts" and "howevers", meaning she's not planning to do squat for me.
Decided to lock in my mortgage before the rates go up again and pay off my debts . It won't really cut into my equity all that much . I've already cut up 2 credit cards and will never, ever, get mixed up in one of those don't pay for a year deals again.
Had my first outdoor swim of the summer this evening. The water was cool, but it felt great . Not crowded either, so there was plenty of room to do a few laps and float around with a pool noodle. If the weather is mild this weekend I might be brave and go during the day. Never thought I would have to avoid the sun and heat . I use to be such a sun worshiper .
Tomorrow is Farmers Market in the morning. Maybe they will have Raspberries. Yummy !
Decided to lock in my mortgage before the rates go up again and pay off my debts . It won't really cut into my equity all that much . I've already cut up 2 credit cards and will never, ever, get mixed up in one of those don't pay for a year deals again.
Had my first outdoor swim of the summer this evening. The water was cool, but it felt great . Not crowded either, so there was plenty of room to do a few laps and float around with a pool noodle. If the weather is mild this weekend I might be brave and go during the day. Never thought I would have to avoid the sun and heat . I use to be such a sun worshiper .
Tomorrow is Farmers Market in the morning. Maybe they will have Raspberries. Yummy !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
