So much I want to write about.
When I have time, I have no energy. When I have energy, there are so many other things that need attention. And of course when I really do need energy, MS laughs at me and drains every drop.
The MS Card. In some ways it is like a credit card, in the bad sense; that the MS card will always have a deficit and it will be a temptation to use it. What exactly do I mean by the MS card? Well I guess it is something I can use to explain why there are so many things I would like to do, but MS prevents me from doing them.
I really hate using it, but I learned a valuable lesson that sometimes I really must.
Example: A few weeks ago, I was summoned to jury duty. It was clear in the summons that the trial could go on for at least three months. When I filled out the questionnaire I said that yes, I would be able to commit to that time period. Oh how stupid of me! Thank goodness the judge excused me because of my job. I guess someone involved in case had a connection to my employer. What a mistake it would have been if I had not disclosed my MS ( which is what I planned to do) and had been selected as a juror. Yeah I suppose I could have begged off at a later date, however that would have required a medical certificate and a whole lot of bother for everyone.
At the end of my one day at court, I was exhausted from doing not much of anything. I came home and tried to revive myself: tea, a shower, food, a glass of wine, music. Nothing worked! Even trying a nap was painful!
I was miserable sitting on the sofa and mad at myself that I was so foolish to think I could have taken on such a responsibility, yet at the same time feeling like a total loser that I couldn't.
So next time, even though it sucks to use the MS card, I will have no choice. I have to stop thinking that I'm still the old me that can do everything and accept that the new me can't do much of anything. At least not most of the time, or not when MS decides I can't.
It really sucks though , really really sucks!!
2 comments:
It does suck to have MS. I too hate playing the MS card. However, another problem I have is determining whether the issue or the way I am feeling is MS or just normal "blues," aches and pains of getting older, or what I call "normal person" problems, such as tiredness, etc. When is it MS or when is it just regular problems that other people have also? I don't want to blame MS all the time. It is a part of me, but not all of me. At the same time I don't want to overdo it so that I am in worse shape the next time. Therefore, balance becomes my goal: push myself a little to see what my boundaries are (which will change often), and I also don't want to assume that everything is my MS. This is hard to do especially because I have to balance my Diabetes symptoms as well. Thanks Carole for your blog!
You made the horror of powerlessness alive in a scant paragraph. Your pen is where the power resides.
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