Sunday, January 24, 2010

Up And Down

A crazy sort of week has past and I'm glad. Just as my blog title says, MS is a roller coaster ride. Think that's why I'm avoiding my blog too. Living it is one thing, but writing about is getting harder. There it is in black and white and there's no getting away from it.

I kept busy this week doing catch up on many things. Busy for me would not seem like much to another person. There was a time when I could multi task. Now I have trouble completing a single thing without having to take many breaks.

A bit down about work too. Working from home is a big improvement for me, yet there are days when I feel as tired as I ever did going to the office. I also feel very discouraged after my office day. Seems like no matter what I do, I never am able to get on track, always feel that I will have to carry on having to prove myself. That this whole accommodation is something I have to continue to earn. Even more irritating is when I get sucked into the office sub culture. Thought I was smarter than that. When will I learn that there will always be people who get undeserved praise and rewards. When will I realize that there will always be people who can get away with not doing very much. And finally when will I stop and remember that so much of what goes on in the office is politics.

The idea of quitting is unpleasant and yet I know that day is coming sooner than I wanted.

It's not that I'm afraid of ending my work days. I certainly have more than enough things that I enjoy doing, so retirement wouldn't be a bore. I just don't like the idea that I will have much less money to live on because I will have to pay a penalty if I do retire early. How many people I have known who were able to coast through their last few years at work and here I am with the last being the hardest. It sucks. Then I see all the people who have no pension except Old Age Security and Canada Pension(if they are lucky). Just getting by; an old age of living at the poverty level and doing it for 30,40 years.

In spite of all that I do feel pretty good today. Last night I was talking to a friend and we both agreed that having a good imagination is truly a blessing. Emily Dickinson was right about that. Because I can't remember the blasted quote that I really wanted to use here, this one is almost as good. If anybody knows the one I mean, how she can travel in her imagination ("I've never been to sea"), please post a comment

"There is no frigate like a book to take us lands away
Nor any courses like a page of prancing poetry
This traverse may the poorest take without oppress of toil
How frugal is the chariot that bears the human soul!"


Diane J Standiford said...

"Heaven is so far of the Mind
That were the Mind dissolved—
The Site—of it—by Architect
Could not again be proved—

'Tis vast—as our Capacity—
As fair—as our idea—
To Him of adequate desire
No further 'tis, than Here—" ED

"The Brain—is wider than the Sky—
For—put them side by side—
The one the other will contain
With ease—and You—beside—

The Brain is deeper than the sea—
For—hold them—Blue to Blue—
The one the other will absorb—
As Sponges—Buckets—do—

The Brain is just the weight of God—
For—Heft them—Pound for Pound—
And they will differ—if they do—
As Syllable from Sound—" Emily

I like: "The world is but a canvas to the imagination." Thoreau

I telecommuted 2 years, I think, they would have kept be on doing subpar work forever, but I feel dead asleep mid conversation with a customer one day, and I knew it was over. Getting out of bed, eating, thinking, all too much. My body said, "Enough." But I had my partner's income, her health ins., my 20yrs of savings when others took trips or bought cars/houses/clothes. And as my mom always told me: "You have a vivid imagination."

Here is MY quote: Money can buy you many objects, a roof over your head, food for your hunger. Love can fill your soul with joy. Intelligence can unlock many doors. But a good imagination can bring you all these desires and take you wherever you want to go.

Justin said...

This probably isn't the one you mean, but here's another great poem by Dickinson on the imagination:

They shut me up in Prose —
As when a little Girl
They put me in the Closet —
Because they liked me "still" —

Still! Could themself have peeped —
And seen my Brain — go round —
They might as wise have lodged a Bird
For Treason — in the Pound —

Himself has but to will
And easy as a Star
Abolish his Captivity —
And laugh — No more have I —

Taxingwoman said...

Excellent quotes. Not the one I'm looking for but equally good.
Thank You Justin and Diane

Cranky said...

Diane - if you're thinking you may not be able to work to normal retirement, why wouldn't you be able to qualify for Canada's version of long term disability? This way, you can avoid early retirement and the reduction in benefit early commencement would bring with it.

Sorry, I can be no help on poetry. The last time I read Emily Dickinson was in high school, pre-1973.