This morning I realize that I must not think about the future too much. It's not an easy thing to do. I have never been one of those "live in the moment" kind of people.
Yeah, I know we have very little control over things, a giant asteroid could come crashing down on us, or I could end up like that guy in England, who won the lottery and ended up miserable and dead.
But you see I've always been a planner. Always thinking about what needs to get done today, this week, this month, this year. Then I have a day like yesterday, where I ended up feeling like a crumpled up hunk of garbage and couldn't do even half the stuff I wanted. I think I've got the hang of this MS thing, but I don't really.
Going on vacation and then needing a week to recover from it. Going for a long walk for exercise, only to pay for it later with extreme inactivity. Where is the balance? There is none. I have no clue how much is enough and how much is too much.
I never had to think about it before. I did things, got tired, rested, and then did more. Now, I do things, get tired, rest, and get even more tired, or do nothing and get tired. It's such a strange feeling to get up in the morning and know that I slept but I don't feel rested. I don't feel like I want to stay in bed either. In fact, I hate lying around in bed.
What is even worse is it doesn't happen everyday. Some days I am fooled into thinking that I'm the same old gal I use to be and I can do whatever I want. Then there are days like Saturday, when I get smacked in the face with the reality of how little control I have. My body does what it wants without any consideration of what I want. Stupid leg, stupid knee, stupid head. Why don't you obey me ? I'm supposed to be the boss, not you! So much for the power of the mind. Mine went for a coffee break and forgot to come back.
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