Lassitude

Lassitude: Langour, disinclination to exert or interest oneself.

Last week before attending one of many tiring meetings at work, I printed off some information from the MS society about fatigue. I handed copies to the people at the meeting and simply said "this is the reason why I want to work at home". The word lassitude,jumped out at me. The definition of it suits me so perfectly.

Before 2004 I would never have been able to imagine the fatigue I experience now. Would never have thought that lassitude would become a part of my life. The disinclination to exert or interest myself comes partly from fear . Fear, that I will start a project, not be able to finish it, and end up with a mess. I look around my house at all the things that I would like to do and I cry, because I'm afraid to do them. Fear, when I have that awful feverish feeling,get so tired, so suddenly, and the switch in my head shuts off. When it shuts off, I can't do a thing or I do stupid things,like injure myself, cross the street on a red light, fall, or have an anxiety attack.

I remember the summer of 2005 when I was invited to a wedding . It took me the entire morning of that day to get ready. Not because I was getting really decked out, but because I could barely do a thing. Even combing my hair was a huge effort
I sat not wanting to go and yet somehow I was able to peel myself off the couch. The whole experience was an ordeal. I felt like a zombie. What made it worse is that there were people there I hadn't seen in ages .Inside I was happy to see them, outside I could barely make the effort to say hello. It was like a strange dream. I felt like I wasn't even there. The whole summer was like that.

For a person who use to be so active, it's difficult to get use to this new weak, "lazy" me . I know there are people around me who think I'm not trying, but I am .
I am