Not Just Because I Think Elvis Costello is Cool

Three times today I started this and quit. My mind is a jumble and I feel oddly anxious. .
The trip to Buffalo was great except for the traveling. It's such a hassle to cross the border now with the new security measures. Crossing the Peace Bridge, which use to take maybe 15 minutes, took us over two hours. What is most annoying is that once you cross the bridge , Buffalo is only a few short minutes away. The customs officers were very nice though.
I know people think I'm crazy to go to all that bother to go to an art exhibit. Well I think people are silly to go to Niagara Falls to gamble and Buffalo to shop at an outlet mall. To each his own cultural narcotic.

The art exhibit was fantastic, I loved it, went back three times to experience it. If you ever get a chance to see Jennifer Steinkamp's work, do.

I was also impressed by Buffalo. It use to have a bad reputation.

Before cable tv we use to watch all the US channels from Buffalo. It never failed that on every commercial break there would be a news update featuring either a fire, robbery, or murder ! Walking around there (and we walked plenty) I found it clean, well maintained, and I felt safe. Lots of interesting buildings. I would go back, only the traveling is getting too expensive ( fuel costs) and too much hassles at the border. Just what the border states Govenors fear !

Hey it's a new season of History Detectives tonight , which I think is a cool show.

The only health news is that sexually transmitted diseases have doubled in the past eight years among those over 45. Sorry I lost the link. Blame: Viagra, lack of condom use (Hooray I can't get pregnant anymore!) and increase in singles that age.

Signs I Have Never Seen Before

Saw these in Buffalo NY

Geese Have the Right Idea

Here are Canada geese cooling off at the harbour. It was hot and very humid today.

Well it's ceiling fan : 3 Carole : 0 . This morning I decided to reattach the lights(see previous post) since a ceiling fan with one light missing is better than no ceiling fan. Combined with the air conditioning, the ceiling fans distribute the cool air nicely . Now I have a fan that is even more unbalanced than before ( see previous post) and looks ugly, and crooked, AND makes a little annoying sound. What is even more annoying is that wherever I sit , the couch, dining room, computer, there it is mocking me , the stupid ceiling fan.

I use to pride myself on being Ms Handy Woman, instead I'm, Ms Weakling Stunned Woman.
My arms got so tired just holding the light kit and putting in a couple of screws. Also my fingers do this weird thing now were they seem to lock and I have to give them a good shake. Had a bit of a cry over that.

I think I must accept that there are some things I can't do as well or not at all anymore and just
move on.


Canada Day coming up soon. Here's an article from CBC about Canadian Icons. I was surprised that in a survey PET was chosen as the person who best defines Canada . We always had a love/hate relationship with the man . At least he stuck by his principles and wasn't a flip flopper like all politicians are now.


I realize tonight that I forgot to get some American money for tomorrow's trip. I might pop in the mall in the morning and see if the currency exchange is open. Some places in the U.S. are so dumb they still don't know our dollar is par or above .

My feet sure are getting beat up from wearing sandals, better go massage them and put some cream on .

The East Trail

Made it out on the trail this evening. This is the east section of the Bruce, which has lots of interesting rock formations. You can see in the photo, top right, a section that has broken away from the escarpment.

Not feeling too bad today. I got an email from my new manager . This is the third new manager in six months. She acknowledged my letter, said they would be willing to accommodate me, however, just as I thought, said she would be sending my doctor an "official" document to sign. She also sent me forms to apply for disability insurance. It's a waste of time since I don't qualify as disabled, but I'll do it to humour her and keep the bureaucracy moving. Anything to get this resolved and I still have another month off to get the paper work done . At least I know they got my letter.

I broke one of the glass shades on the ceiling fan in the living room . Using the weights I bought yesterday, I had the fan blades almost perfectly balanced. Was I happy with that ? Of course not. I had to fiddle around tightening the screws on the light kit and Wham ! the whole thing fell off . Don't think they sell replacement shades, so I'm not sure exactly what I'll do.
I try to resist my Libra personality of always striving for an unobtainable perfection, doesn't work.

Might be going to Buffalo NY this weekend to see an art exhibit at Albright Knox.

And Santa Claus can go sailing this summer

Goofing Off

The day kind of unraveled, resulting in me missing my nature walk . At least the groceries got delivered on time.
I had wanted to go out on a different section of the Bruce trail late this afternoon . My girlfriend called and we ended up gabbing on the phone for hours. She's house bound with two young babies most of the time and is therefore in need of some adult (female) conversation and in my semi brain dead state I'm a pretty good listener. If I'm absorbing any of it, I'm not sure. By the time I hung up the weather had gone all funny again, cloudy with a storm threatening, so I decided to do some cooking and laundry. Around 8:30 I really felt in need of some sort of walk. I did a quick run to the drugstore and mailed some postcards.

I'm having a case of the guilts . Here goes with a bit of whining.

I feel guilty when I read other blogs and people talk about working, commuting long distances, by car or bus , coming home in the evening, and doing family and social stuff. Some have much worse MS symptoms than I have and yet they do so much. Why can't I do it? When I'm working I feel so wasted and I don't even commute. Today what did I do ? Some cooking, laundry, and a few postcards, and now my blog . I sat on the couch thinking of all these other things I could be doing and yet I knew I was too darn weak to. I don't think it's because I'm a whimp or lazy, but I feel that way sometimes. Yeah I know , think positive and all that. Some days I can't.

Two things I hate about MS, this weak feeling and brain dead !
Or maybe I should blame the cell phone ?

Food Glorious Food

Mmm the taste of my first strawberry of the season

Today was a day of errands and practical walks . First thing this morning I went to the Farmer's market looking for local strawberries. The one farmer from Dundas, which is now part of Hamilton, thanks to amalgamation, had what turned out to be yummy, yummy, strawberries. Decided to try one of his green house tomatoes too.
We chatted about food politics. All this talk of buy and eat local is according to him, a load of hype.
The supermarkets aren't interested in their produce and when they are want it cheap. That's because they can get a deal on the California stuff and Oh it's true! Those big, watery, tasteless,
red blobs, are every where. Even the the organic store around the corner sells them. Why do people continue to buy them ? Guess maybe they've never had a chance to try local ones and don't have time to go to the market. Any wonder when a property developer comes along and offers a farmer $5 million for his land, he takes the money and runs off to Florida ? I'm hoping this guy will stick around. (did I say the same thing in a past post ?)

Next stop was to pick up supplies for Mexican dinners. A lady originally from El Salvador, runs a very messy, unorganized shop with food from every hispanic country you can imagine. The supermarkets do have a variety of ethnic foods because our population is so diverse, yet for some reason the Mexican food is in the snack aisle next to the tortilla chips. Mostly corporate Old El Paso offerings.

Lastly, I picked up a large basket of sweet red and orange peppers. A deal at $5.00.

I can't beleive what a weakling I am. I only had two bags of items and it felt like a ton.
Luckily , who came up behind me on my walk up the big, sunny, hill ? My son, who carried it all the rest of the way. So I made him some very good strawberry shortcake with real whip cream.
Too good Too good.

On my second trip out this evening, the guy at the hardware store was incredulous when I asked him for ceiling fan weights.
I had a time convincing him that yes, there was such a thing, and yes, I have bought them at this very store. Hey ! I'm not that much of a space cadet that I imagine such things , at least not yet.
My feet feel like they are vibrating. What the heck is up with that ?

Proteus

Proteus, an amphibian who lives in the waters of caves in Slovenia . To me it looks like a plant when it sends out a new shoot. Thanks to Roman for sending me that postcard.

I may as well be a Proteus with all the rain we're getting. At least I timed my errands right this evening and got back home ten minutes before another storm. Ha! for once I didn't get soaked.
I'm a real space cadet every time I go out now. Forgot to mail my postcards tonight and Saturday instead of my shopping list I brought along a list of tips for my Sims game (the juices for those of you who know the game) Naturally I forgot half the stuff I wanted to buy.

Read an article in the health news about a drug company that wants to promote a drug used to treat glaucoma as an eye lash grower. Apparently one of the side effects of Bimatoprost, is long thick lashes.
"We are pleased with the results of our clinical program and believe this innovative program, if approved, could meet a significant and unmet demand in the medical aesthetic marketplace," Scott Whitcup, Allergan's executive vice-president of research and development, said in the release.
Yeah I just bet you are. What you really mean is you will create demand for a drug for something people don't really need.

That's it for now. Didn't accomplish much today ,which causes twinges of guilt.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to find local strawberries at the Farmer's Market.

New Recipe Blog by Anne

Blogger Anne of " Disabled not Dead" has a new blog which I have posted a link to in my MS blog
links. Easy Recipes

I think this is a great idea to help MS'ers get through the summer months and still have a decent sit down dinner. So you don't have to eat pizza all summer :)

The Weather Outside Was Frightful

Mother Nature , can you give us a break please ?

Thunderstorms today resulted in me missing the rose show, nearly ruined my barbecue, and knocked out the cable. Then it took me 2 hours to get the internet security working again!! Grrr.

Ahh but then all is forgiven. The trail is even greener today thanks to that rain.
In the picture on the left is a pond. It use to be a sewer. The botanical gardens have a reclamation project going to get the area back to nature. They removed a storm sewer and a concrete barrier, which has allowed the creek to come back. They have also established 2 ponds with native plants and amphibians ! It's really going to be nice when it's all done.

Hope I don't have another crazy night. I woke up last night screaming from a nightmare, my heart pounding and I was sweating. I was even afraid to fall back asleep. Can't remember what it was about now. Don't think it's MS related. Is it ?

Saturday Happenings

This evening I would like to send out best wishes to occam, at Double Barrel Ranch. Her husband had a serious accident and requires heart and hip surgery . Luckily he had his cell phone and was able to make a calll. Still it took Search and Rescue 4 hours to locate him. May he get through his ordeal and have a swift recovery. . It's hard to find the right words when things like this happen. I'm not very good at it.

I will never bad mouth my cell phone again !

Here's a few photos taken down at the harbour today. You can see how much the babies have grown since my last shots at Mother's Day.





Not much else happening. Saw an interesting film last night "The Counterfeiters" a German film about a Nazi plot to flood Britain and the US with fake currency. A true story. They used concentration camp prisoners to do the forgeries. The work was so good that a German agent was able to have the money certified as genuine by the British government. My friend has one of the phony British pounds in his collection.

That's it for me. Not feeling too bad today . Here's a postcard blog from fellow Post crosser Potwari in Pakistan

Roller Coaster

Another cloudy rainy day . Things started out not so great and are now this evening pretty good. I've had the twitches the last couple of nights and tingling . Will I ever get use to the roller coaster ride ?

I'm going on my trip after all ! In July, the hottest month, but I don't care. I feel so much better about things since my doctor visit. Now I think I can relax and enjoy myself a bit.

Had to pay $8.00 for a registered letter today that is only going a few blocks from home. It's a copy of the letter from my doctor requesting a medical accommodation for me, plus some other medical documents that I want my work manager to review. I also mentioned in my covering letter that I never heard from Health Canada regarding a review of my case. Another thing that didn't get done because I bet the request is still sitting on a desk somewhere .

You can't just drop off a letter at the office. It has to go in the box with all the rest of the mail . That would give them the excuse that they didn't get it and delay things even more. Pretty sad when you can't trust anyone. So I spent the money to force them to acknowledge the letter and give me some documentation in case I need it later.
It made me think about work all day too. I have to put it out of my mind and go back to vacation mode.

I see Montel Williams is having another gambling fund raiser for MS. Is that all he's good for now ?
Here's a couple more flower snaps from last weekend. I notice the day lilies are beginning to bloom in front of my house . I'll wait till there all open and take a few pictures of them.

Orderly Chaos

I thought this picture of one of the baby falcons, named Elstone was very cute . He's learning how to fly. Check my hobby links for the Peregrine Falcon site.

Decided to go to the vampire lab at the hospital today instead of the local clinic. The clinic has crazy hours I can never keep track of. It was chaos in the out patient area of the hospital, or at least it looked that way. The waiting room was packed . The line at reception was long and of course I chose the wrong line . I had a very old man with a cane jump the queue ahead of me , as well as an even older woman in a wheelchair. Not like I can yell at them or anything and who knows maybe they take advantage of that ?
Ended up at the hematology lab desk and it was quick getting processed. The staff do a good job of keeping the pedestrian traffic moving . The nurses all seemed very calm and were pleasant enough. I always get nervous when they take my health card and keep it with the file . It kind of feels like giving up your passport in a hostile foreign country, never knowing if you'll get it back, and if you don't you could end up in jail. If you lose your health card not only is it a hassle to get any care, it's an even bigger hassle to get a replacement. In fact replacing a passport is easier.

Only had to hang around the waiting area for about ten minutes. Got a couple of compliments on my Elvis purse. I notice when ever I have it with me I either get very young woman saying they like it, or older women asking me if I bought it at Graceland or in Las Vegas. They are always surprised when I say I bought it at the little dumpy mall downtown. Maybe I should fib and say I did get it in Vegas ?



So I gave my tribute of blood and was out of there in less than half an hour, not bad.
In the evening we went to see the movie "The Happening". Tuesday is cheapo night at the theater so I'm willing to go see a movie I might not pay full price for. Strange coincidence that I had just read that article about plant communication a couple of days ago . You'll know what I mean if you see the film. I don't want to be a plot spoiler.

Now I just have to wait for letters confirming appointments for the MRI and EVP.

Doctor Love

Oh ! I think I'm in love with my new doctor. Well maybe it's a crush, although when he asked what could he do for me I was tempted to suggest the two of us run off together. No, instead I asked him to help me with my work situation. He agreed that a medical accommodation would be right and he will prepare a letter stating that. I'm sure my boss will hum and haw about it not being on official forms, but at least it's a start.

What a difference compared to the other neurologist who was always so rushed and preoccupied. This doctor listened to me and actually seemed interested in what I had to say. It didn't even bother me when he talked about more tests , injections, and symptoms. I even let him touch my feet and I hate having my feet touched !

No injections for me yet. I have to go for another MRI, blood tests, and another EVP. The doctor did mention that the response in my legs when he did a test was not as good as he would have liked, but said not to worry. OK doc I won't worry because I have faith in you and I love you .
Got to the lab too late for blood tests so I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to get that done
Won't the lab vampires be happy. I feel pretty good so I don't mind. Ain't love grand ?

More Flowers and Storms

Lots of Peonies and Roses today
and more crazy thunderstorms. We
made it back home just in time before the deluge.

Doctor tomorrow and I'm nervous.

Reading Blogs

Had a chance this afternoon to read a few more blogs Have added "One Life" to my links .
I enjoyed reading it, short posts, MS related. I like blogs that talk about day to day things people encounter. I'll update this later. Time to do a barbecue before going out to see the flowers .

Right or Wrong ? and Could I Ask ?

Feeling a bit better tonight after a bad week, last night being the worst. A head cold, cramps , wicked headache, and sore neck, combined to make me feel like a miserable wretch. Every part of me hurt. I was too sick to die . This afternoon I crashed out on the couch and amazingly after an hour of rest I felt so much better, even managed to go for a walk. During the week I had tried to go out but had to turn back as I was just so weak and dizzy. Right now though sitting here at my desk I can say I feel almost normal.

An article today in the local paper about a Hamilton woman, Susan Forester, who died from MS at the age of 47 , only two days after receiving her university degree. I don't ever think of anyone dying from MS and not that young. I know it happens but it's a shock when it does.

Had a long think about assisted suicide which I mentioned in my last post.
I have always been against assisted suicide yet I wouldn't stop a person who wanted it.
I understand the feeling of not wanting to be a burden, not wanting heroic effort to stay alive.
I want someone to pull the plug on me if I end up a vegetable on a respirator, however:
Would I be able to ask a loved one to help me to die ? Wouldn't it be better to do it myself while I still had my faculties? Would I be doing it out of fear ? Fear of being left one day to rot in a dirty diaper ? Fear that I will still be aware mentally, but physically unable to do anything? Is it a rational choice ? or is it depression ? Maybe a loved one would agree to help but afterwards how do I know that they wouldn't feel guilt or regret ? That is one heck of a burden to put on another person. It would have to be someone very strong and most people aren't.

I think if we had better palliative care people would be less afraid of the final stages of an illness
That's the thing though. It's so hard to get any decent care and so many die an undignified death.

Hospitals terrified they'll get sued so they hook patients up to machines and feeding tubes .
Society's unrealistic definition of "life" . Doctors who paint unrealistic pictures of hope when there is none, pushing the sick and their families, to try every drug, every procedure, to prolong life. What about quality of life ?

I don't know. I never seem to be able to come up with adequate answers to help me decide if assisted suicide is right or not. I was raised Catholic and suicide is a sin so maybe that still has an influence .

Assisted Suicide Death with Dignity ?

A quick post about an article on assisted suicide. A woman in Britain, who has progressive MS is considering assisted suicide .
I'll post comments later . Need time to think about this.

Plants, Smarter Than We Think

Another day of thunderstorms and heat.I 'm stuffed up with allergies. Haven't had that happen in ages. Darn pollen and high winds ! Yet I can't get mad at plants because, they might know what I'm thinking and feeling.

According to scientists at McMaster University, right here in Hamilton , plants
recognize their kin and are even nice to them. Read about it here

This is a response that besides plants, only humans have.

I forgot to mention I had a minor black out on Sunday. I put my head back to taste some rain drops and blacked out, my legs gave out . Luckily I was leaning against a railing and it was very brief so I didn't fall down. Only mentioning it because I have to see the neurologist next Monday.

I have removed a couple of MS blogs from my links . When I tried to access them the last couple of days, I got a message that I wasn't invited to read them, even though I have before. Didn't know blogging was like the country club.

Now I think I'll go water my plants and have a little chat with them. I wonder if they talk about me ?

Just When You Think Nothing's Going On

A slow day for me. I'm paying for too much fun in the sun ( and heat) yesterday. Stayed inside and finally caved in to turning on the air conditioning. Did my usual house chores and putting around with blogs and postcards.

Browsing through all the online news it seemed like a slow day then this story caught my eye on BBC. It's about Cease Fire, a crime prevention program in the US . Fighting crime is just like fighting infectious diseases ! You can watch the video and there's a link to the Sunday New York Times, feature story.
Hmm, an epidemiologist as crime fighter. Maybe we need a cop to fight MS ?

Flowers and Thunderstorms

Fantastic afternoon at the flower festival. All the beautiful irises and peonies made me feel like I had stepped into an impressionist painting. Lots of really gorgeous hostas too. I may go back later this week as the peonies still had loads of buds waiting to pop.

And Oh! the thunderstorms today. We got caught in the rain twice, luckily though we got back home before the real whopper storm began . It was crazy, with black skies and strong winds bending the trees in half. I just hope it didn't do too much damage.
Now I'm exhausted, at least it's for a good reason.
Read an article in the paper this morning about declining SUV sales. Can you believe that oil was only $9 a barrel in the 1990's ?

Deer and Hummers

An early evening walk , this time on the South Shore Trail. It's great to walk there because most of the sun is blocked by the tall trees ,yet there's enough light for it to not feel spooky.
Hey ! we saw a deer.

Last night I read an article about the possible end of the Hummer. I never knew we have Governor Schwarzenegger, to thank for that gas guzzling monstrosity . I say good riddance to
a vehicle that was so good at wasting finite resources .

I decided not to turn on the air conditioning yet and it's not because I'm cheap. I hate not being able to have a window open or use the screen door. Once you turn the air on that's it, it's on steady for 3 months. I love it but I hate too. So perhaps I'll lingerwith the ceiling fans for another day.

Had lots of bad pains last night which kept me awake. As usual, they're gone now without the benefit of pain killers. Freaky phantom pains ?

That's it for me I'm having a nice cool shower now. Tomorrow we might go to the Iris and Peony festival for awhile.

Mental Illness in the Movies

First let's start with a dramatic change in the weather. It went from being cold and grey all week to suddenly, after a huge thunderstorm last night, up to 40C . A real steam bath.


Interesting article in the Las Cruces Sun about mental illness and movie myths. How movies, including "The Fisher King" and" As Good as it Gets" perpetrate misconceptions about mental illness .
Read it here

The two movies that I dislike that do this are "Good Will Hunting" and "The Prince of Tides". The idea that all you have to do is bare your soul to a shrink and everything will turn out peachy.
If only it were that simple. These movies do a great disservice to people who struggle with mental illness.
The article was very timely considering what happened to me this week.

On Thursday I had lunch with some friends . One friend telling me how her neighbour, who is schizophrenic, has been stalking her and her daughter. She has requested that a restraining order be issued against him. When I said that although I agreed it was a good idea, I didn't think it would stop the guy . My other friend got annoyed with me when I explained that schizophrenics can't control themselves . She said "Oh a schizophrenic can understand what a restraining order is", I said yes, maybe, but that won't stop the compulsive behaviour. She insisted that this guy could control himself if he really wanted to. I let it drop because I just couldn't be bothered to get into an arguement . It bugged me though that here was an intelligent woman who believed the myths. That mental illness is the fault of the person .

I told my other friend to please be careful.

The weather has me worried because it's supposed to stay hot like this for the rest of June. I'll have to plan any trips out for late afternoon, early evening, to avoid the heat.

Keeping my fingers crossed that I will have a good summer with no flare ups.

8 Things. Do You Do Them ?

Here's an article from the Independent about 8 things Britons don't do any more.

I do some and have pretty good excuses for not doing others.

1. Peeling- Orange sales are down because people don't like peeling them.

During the winter I eat lots of oranges but I don't peel them. I cut them into quarters and add a light sprinkle of salt, a taste I picked up from my Dad. He says it's an Italian thing , but I don't know any other Italians who do it although they are very partial to salt, citrus , and bitter tastes, which I love too. Nothing like a salad of dark greens, lemon dressing , salt and pepper.
I can have salt thanks to my low blood pressure.

2. Lunching

People don't relax and go out for lunch, instead they grab a quick bite at their desk and carry on working.

I have a quick lunch at my desk so I can use my break time to go for a walk. At least that's a healthy reason.

3. Car Washing . Most people use the drive through car wash (what a waste of water and energy) instead of doing it themselves.

I don't have a car . I do remember my Dad enjoying washing his car by hand and polishing it.

4. Writing. Everybody uses Email and IM, rarely writing a snail mail letter.

I don't write letters by hand as my writing is so horrible. I will type a letter in a fancy font and put it in a card.

5. Shaving .
I think modern shavers are better and safer soI don't think giving up the old fashion shave is a great loss.

6. Reading
Is it true people read less ? I don't know because my family and friends are all big readers.

7. Strolling
Nobody has time to go for a leisurely walk.
I walk everyday(no car remember) , strolling ? well depends how much time I have

8. Tea Making

Britons don't have time to make tea ? What is the world coming to ?
I love tea and take the time everyday to make it in a proper tea pot . I like to try different kinds of flavoured black teas and green teas. No bag in a cup for me.

Other than that I think it's redundant for me to mention my MS.

Right now I'm stuffing my face with candy from Finland. One of the side benefits of my post card hobby.

Sheela Basrur

Yesterday, Sheela Basrur, died at the age of 51 from a rare form of cancer. She was Ontario's chief medical officer during the 2003 SARS outbreak.

Those were scary days and she was truly the voice of reason during that time. 44 people died in Toronto from SARS.
Read more about her life and why she became a public health officer.

Love That Greenery

A beautiful day out there with blue skies and a light breeze. Great beginning to June.

You can see from the photo above how quickly the trail has become a lush green. This is the Chedoake , which is an all access trail to allow for bikes, joggers, wheel chairs , baby strollers
dogs, and so on. It hooks up to the Bruce, which is the rugged trail I have mentioned in an earlier post. The only thing you have to look out for walking here is the golfers! Part of the trail cuts through the fairway of a golf course. Look out for the stray golf balls ! Otherwise it's a pleasant walk . For awhile you can pretend your not in the city and yet it's close enough to home to get back to the urban life quickly, not too quickly .

I went out and bought some plants to make a small herb garden. Mmm, the rosemary smells fantastic . I love to put a few sprigs of it in the spaghetti sauce.

Now I have to sort out all the half empty paint cans in the basement and try and figure out how to use up all this paint.

I'm adding a link to the blog of a fellow Postcrossing member Leonard
I don't understand Romanian, but he has lots of great photos.
I also want to thank occam at double barrel ranch for a link to this blog in Nepal. More great photos.

The Pit of Doom

At least Zits is funny and oh so true.
Everything started out fine , weather gradually improving , a nice peaceful Sunday.
Then at dinner my son asked me about work Was I managing with less money ? Was it worth taking the time off ? etc. etc. Friendly questions , no big deal. I felt funny, started sinking , down, down. Thought about work, all the crap I've been through and will have to face again. Thought about how MS has turned my life up side down. Started worrying about money. Started worrying about the decisions I make Are they rational ? Am I doing, have I done, the right things ?
I read somewhere that MS symptoms include, lack of judgment poor judgment, impairment of judgment . Perhaps everything I'm doing is a mistake and once again it's stupid MS running my life, not me.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

I jut read of the passing of Ives St Laurent

""I've known fear and terrible solitude," he said. "Tranquilizers and drugs, those phony friends. The prison of depression and hospitals. I've emerged from all this, dazzled but sober."

So fame, money, celebrity, can't protect you from depression.