NO ! I'm not going to kill myself, even though I think about it often. Usually when I'm very tired and take one of my naps. That's the reason I avoid naps because I know sure enough my thoughts will drift to suicide. And how many times have I been half awake in bed, my worries magnified a thousand times in my mind.
The same pointless thoughts: "I have no future" " I'm useless" " I'm going to lose my independence"" I'm going to be a crazy old lady, living in a cardboard box on the street" and so on. All of it nonsense .
During the day I'm making all sorts of plans, so obviously I don't really believe I have no future .
Lose my independence ? Yeah that could happen, but then I'm not very good at asking for help, so maybe that's something I need to learn how to do. Useless? Hmm have to think about that more Do we really need to be useful to matter ?
If I do end up in a box on the street, I hope I'm in Florida, where it's warm. If there's a hurricane, I can always get another box .
I can truthfully say that I will not suicide.
First because I believe it's a sin . I don't mean that I think that people who have done it go to hell. I leave those decisions to God. I guess part of it is residual brainwashing from my Catholic up bringing ( I no longer practice) . I think suicide is taboo in all religions. Life is precious, a mystery, perhaps one that we will never figure out , and aren't meant to.
Second. I have seen the impact suicide has on those who are left behind. Entire families ripped apart. You think your life doesn't matter? Watch that movie "It's a Wonderful Life".
I have a friend who tells me that if you kill yourself, you have to come back and live your life over again, exactly the same . I'm way too tired to do that . So I have no choice other than to stick around and see what happens .
So how did I cure myself this week of lowly depressed thoughts ?
I went out and bought myself a great big , whacking, HD television. Not that I can afford it, but when has that ever stopped me . I plan to buy all the movies I love and sit around watching them.
Just have to make sure I don't take any naps.
Help if you need it